Infrequently Asked Questions

1. If I pay extra shipping can I wake up with my shirt under my pillow?

Unfortunately, we do not offer pillow delivery, or "tooth fairy service" at this time.

2. Is it true that Krakatoa Shirts was started as a visionary and idealistic dream to brighten the inner sunshine of the downtrodden masses, but was forced by economic hardships to sell out to a conglomerate, and is now just a shill for the man, so a multinational company can have street cred while it pays Tommy gun totin' thugs to shanghai third world countries and turn them into banana republic nightmares?

Great question. No.

3. My physics teacher told me that if I buy two Krakatoa Shirts, I can weave them into Icarus style wings and use them for interstate travel without having to buy an airplane ticket. Please say it's so.

It's not so. Krakatoa Shirts are meant to be used as shirts, not woven into mythical wings. P.S. Icarus died, and you would too.

4. I went on a blind date, and the girl liked my Krakatoa Shirt so much that she ripped it off my body. What should I do?

Buy another shirt. Make another date.

5. This winter I'm going to build a snowman and dress him in a Krakatoa Shirt. Once he comes to life, I'm going to make him my wingman, so I can get all the girls. Would he be more comfortable in a t-shirt, or a long sleeve shirt?

Hold on a second. Frozen water will not come to life and go clubbing with you. Besides, partying is hot work, and your snow buddy would melt in seconds. You're not going to get many babes if your wingman is a puddle.

6. I saw on the news that Krakatoa Shirts employs dogs to run their mail room. Do they communicate with the postmaster in sign language or Morse code?

The Bark & Stamp program has been discontinued. Unfortunately, canines calculate their ages in doggy years. At 2 years old they can't work because of child labor laws. When they hit 9, it's time for mandatory retirement. An inspired idea that fizzled. Very sad.

7. I read in my literary journal that a monkey wore a Krakatoa Shirt and was able to type out one of Shakespeare's plays over the period of a year. I'm twice as smart as a monkey, so I bought a Krakatoa Shirt and have been wearing it for six months straight. I haven't written anything. What's wrong?

You're the victim of an urban legend, part truth and part fiction. Here's the whole truth. Monkeys are primarily nudists, so they don't buy many clothes. However, they are fine writers. Hollywood employs quite a few primate wunderkinds under pseudonyms. You don't have to be an insider to see through this Tinseltown smokescreen. Take three well known films: Tarzan, The Ape Man; Every Which Way But Loose, and Planet of the Apes. What's the common denominator? They all have big monkey parts. In a town filled with actors, why would a writer give all the best roles to banana biters? Are you seeing a pattern? Is your picture coming into focus? Everyone wants to help their friends, even monkeys.

8. I live in cold country. My local grocer told me that if I wrap a bunch of peanuts in my Krakatoa Shirt and crush it, I will have peanut butter with chunks. I can then spread the chunky stuff in the treads of my tires to give me traction in the snow. How many shirts and peanuts will I need for a set of tires?

They actually sell premade chunky peanut butter in the store, and you'll never get the shells out of your shirt. The tire traction question relates to an old news story known as The Patel Fiasco. Awhile back, in the Indian state of Assam, a man named Patel bought a used car with bald tires. Patel's friend, a prankster, suggested that Patel save money by rubbing chunky peanut butter on his old tires to give him traction. The prankster knew that rats, of which there are an abundance in Assam, love peanut butter, and he envisioned his friend arising one morning to find his car turned into a rodent motel. Unfortunately, the one animal that loves peanut butter more than rats is elephants. A local bull elephant, referred to as The Tusk Master, was downwind of Patel's legume mobile, and smelled a feast. The charging pachyderm was so frantic to devour his frosted rubber treat that he crushed the car, and Patel with it. Now, are a couple of jars of chunky peanut butter worth all this death and destruction? Think about it.