Tallapoosa Two

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I’m writing for the guys today. Often it seems part of the natural order for girls to have the upper hand in relationships. Still, there is one nefarious female tactic which I have studied, will expose, and help to combat. So here we go.

This telegram is about the SHAK. It’s stating the obvious to say guys and babes are on different wave lengths. When a guy hones in on a honey, he wants to initiate physical contact as soon as possible. In a guy’s mind, a lady who shows no interest, or even some disdain, can be swayed by a bit of flesh pressing. Hand shakes are for friends’ grandmothers, so the entry level intimacy is an embrace, and perhaps a peck on the cheek. Unfortunately, this is easier dreamed than done.

Ladies have a different take. They size up a guy in seconds, and if you don’t make the cut, they’re not going to let you try and persuade them with some grab and slobber maneuver. Girls know guys are determined and will continue to make their case through a tsunami of rejection and humiliation; so they use cunning, a vanquisher of determination, to lead guys into the illusion of victory. And here is where I peel back the layers of this noxious manipulation.

You can describe it as a one arm hug, a girly headlock, or almost gettin’ some, but it all boils down to one thing, the SHAK. Stop Hugs And Kisses is an extinguisher of hope; a way for a hottie to control an over eager suitor, or for an ex-girlfriend to let the guy know that it’s still over. The SHAK (pronounced “shack”) occurs when the girl swings one, and only one, arm around a guy’s neck. Simultaneously, she moves toward the target in an offset position so that the pairs’ identical shoulders (right shoulders if right arm used, or left shoulders if left arm used) will make direct contact. Pressure is applied with the swing arm so that the guy leans his head forward slightly. The guy’s eyes will be aligned with the back of the girl’s head. If he’s lucky, his cheek will brush up against some hair. The gal will then make an exclamation like, “What’s up?!” or “How are you doing?!” The guy is immobilized mush. He was only pondering getting to first base, and instead got beaned in the on deck circle. A second later, it’s over. The swing arm is released and the guy, drained of testosterone, wanders the earth as a eunuch.

The sad thing is most guys don’t even know what’s happened. I’ll be at a party and see a girl put the SHAK on a wannabe Stud Founder. The guy comes away all smiles, and looks to me for a high five, but it’s my duty to set him straight: “Hold on Apache Chief. Put down that hand because you’ve just been SHAK’d.” Still unsure if you’re being played for a fool? Here are three things that never happen with the SHAK.

1.You will not look into the girl’s eyes.

2. You will not kiss the girl.

3.Your chest will never ever press against the girl’s breasts. Ever.

All girls use the SHAK at one time or another; it comes from an extra notch in their DNA double helix. However, some females are serial abusers of the technique. They are known as Sheiks (like the prophylactic). A Sheik can strut into a room full of fellas and SHAK through them like a Russian farmer through a wheat field. Before a guy can even say his name, she’s swung to the next neck.

Sheiks also like to proclaim their dominance to other females. They’ll write S-H-A-K on the knuckles of their swing arm. It doesn’t mean a thing to guys, but for girls it’s a gold star for someone in demand and in charge.

Now you know the inside info, but what can you do about it? The best idea is to just avoid being SHAK’d. If you want to make time with a girl at a later date, keep that swing arm off your neck. You may be able to forgive/forget, but in the girl’s mind you’re already dead and buried. For the brave few who want to charge on, here are a few SHAK busting moves.

1. The Come From Behind Victory-Sneak up behind the girl and throw both your arms around her. You may even be able to lean in for a peck on the cheek. Be careful of her wheeling around and socking you between the eyes.

2. The Judas Goat Maneuver-Take a friend/sucker with you to see the object of your affection. Push him into her SHAK meat grinder. While the lass in engaged with your wingman, move in and in one fluid motion push aside/humiliate aforementioned friend and grab up beautiful lass in a chest pressing embrace.

3. The Nuclear Option-I don’t recommend this, but for guys who want to save their pride and dignity, it is an option. Just remember, your pride and dignity are all that you’ll be going home with. When the Sheik moves in, hold up your hand like a stop sign to block her swing arm. Then proclaim, “No Thanks.” If you’re The Man, you’ll be rewarded with respect and untold female riches. More likely, reality will quickly bite and you’ll be ostracized by every girl in town.

That’s all for now. Buy a shirt.

The Man With the Plan,


- - - - - Read more Elgin Wells at Associated Content